Gary Chapman sold a lot of books and impacted a lot of marriages and families with his “5 Love Languages” book series… but there’s only ONE love language you really have to know… HERS. (Or his.) =)
Knowing how your spouse receives love is essential in creating a productive marriage. I think many times in marriage we assume that the way WE feel loved is the way our spouse receives love too. This is certainly not the case all the time or even most of the time.
The way we want to be “loved on” is often shaped by our own experiences, and personality. That’s why it is quite common for a husband and wife to prefer different methods of receiving love than the other. This is both ok and normal. Our challenge and responsibility as an individual becomes identifying our spouse’s love language and finding ways to speak that love to them.
Here is a look at the five different love languages for those who are unfamiliar with this topic:
Words of Affirmation
Some people love to be told they are doing a great job! It creates motivation for them to continue pressing forward. While it is always important to let our spouse know when they are doing something great, some attach even more meaning to it. For some, they simply feel loved when they hear words of affirmation. For this type of person, these words are not just kind or nice, but actually affirm the sacrifices that our spouse is making and in doing so – loving them the way they crave to be loved.
Acts of Service
Maybe your spouse loves it when you do nice things for them – if they do, Acts of Service might be their love language. When someone does something for us, it feels good. For many, a real sense of love and SACRIFICE are felt when something nice or special is done for them.
Receiving Gifts
This one is cut and dry – so to speak. We all love to receive gifts. It makes us feel special and it is also really fun. It is unexpected and exciting. While many like the feelings that go along with receiving gifts, some attach very special feelings of love to this experience. For some it is more than a “simple gift.” Many husbands and wives find a great deal of love in this simple act of gift giving.
Quality Time
Does your spouse really love spending time with you? I would hope so. In general, we should want to be around or near our spouse. We should enjoy time that we can spend together. If we don’t like being around our spouse in general – this is not ok. =) However, but for women like my wife — quality time is her “secondary love language” — quality time can be very fulfilling for them. If enough time goes by (6 hours? LOL) and Michelle and I haven’t spent “quality time” together, she’s feeling unloved. The closeness and intimacy felt when husband and wife are together can create an environment that is healthy for a successful marriage and speaks a great deal of love to our spouse.
Physical Touch
This is Michelle’s primary love language. She craves physical touch. Not only does she crave it, but she really needs it. It’s how I tell her the most that I love her. But, it’s important to say this too – physical touch is not just about sex. Sex is an obvious part of physical touch that we love, but people who receive love this way receive love through all types of physical touch. More than anything, my wife loves it when I am holding her on the couch, watching a crime show or talking about our day. She wants to hold hands constantly, complains there aren’t “love seats” in the movie theater and sits on the same side of the table as me when we go out to dinner. If this is the way your spouse receives love, look for ways other than just sex to initiate physical touch.
So what do we do with this information? The first thing I would recommend is talking with your spouse about how they best receive love. Sit down with your spouse and talk about the way the two of you receive love. When we figure out this first step, we need to look for ways to meet their “love language.” Take pride in meeting the needs of your spouse by understanding how they receive love.
Until next time, keep working hard, and keep FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE – it’s worth it.