Loved my Mister’s post about the 3 biggest mistakes men make in marriage.   He’s a pretty private man… so I was surprised at his candor.  (And his awareness…. frankly… so I’ll let you know how he does now that he knows that I KNOW that he knows these are mistakes. lol… )  In all fairness, I guess it’s my turn… to step on my own toes.  And yours. (Sorry.)

Chris and I used to co-lead a thriving  marriage ministry, so we’ve not only had the benefit of learning from our own mistakes, but from others as well.  From my perspective here are the 3 biggest mistakes women make in marriage.  If you’re reading this aloud to your husband, as I often do, prepare for a heavy dose of awkward. 

#1: We Put Our Husbands Down.

Yup.  As women, we talk a lot.  We co-misserate a lot.  We hash things out over and over and over again. First with our mom.  Then, with friends.  Sometimes, to whoever will listen.  We identify the problem we’re seeing in our husbands and then beat that dead horse way past its natural death.

I have two close friends… both married.  In both cases, she and I are super close, but we’re also “couple friends.”  Both of these women can finish my sentences about my Mister.  And, I theirs… about their husbands. Why? Because we’ve vented and ranted so many times. And i’m GRATEFUL for it.  (And for them.)

But, does it help our marriages?  Not really.  I recently took a private pledge…. held accountable by these two women and also by my Mom.  Not even in sarcasm would be speak negatively about Chris.  Not one word.   For 30 days.  Sounds so simple… but our words have power.  And as long as my words have power, I need to use them to encourage my husband, talk him up, shine light on all he’s doing RIGHT… instead of “the rest.”  You truly do see more of what you focus on.

This isn’t to dismiss the need for a good rant… and an even better friend. =) And I’ll rant again. I’m sure of it. 19 days and counting, lol…   For me, though, I just needed to change the record.  And while this 30 day challenge I created for myself isn’t for everyone, it has certainly helped me.  It helped us.  Because it shifted my focus.

And it saved me from the “I’m getting mad again just talking about it” frustration. (You’ve been there, right?)

Bottom line: I have an amazing Mister, and so do you.  There’s a REASON you married this man. Focus your thoughts, your words there.

 

#2: We Forget How Fun Sex Is.

TMI alert… but Chris and I are fortunate to be, I’m not sure how to put this, but sexually compatible.  Our view of sex is similar.  For us, while we love that God blesses this union between spouses, it’s a very physical act.   You’ll never find us talking about “making love” or “crying” during some sexual experience. If that’s you, fine. Roll with it.  It’s just not “us.”

Sex is fun.  You remember that, right?

(For our Christian readers: Think God doesn’t care whether you and your man are heating things up under the sheets? Read Song of Solomon one more time.  Seriously… when you dig into that book a bit deeper, it’s nearly erotic literature.  Sex was designed to be fun, enjoyable, exciting, experimental.) 

Truth be told, depriving Chris of sex to somehow “keep him in line” or “punish him” would –frankly — never occur to me.  Because depriving him means depriving me.  =) And, let’s be honest,  women have needs too.

But, many many women make this mistake.  Limiting their sex life to punishment / reward or duty status.  Let go! Have some fun!

Is sex NOT fun for you?  Change what you’re doing. Tell him what you want him to do. Ask him what he’d like from you.  Practice makes perfect, right? So, practice until it’s fun.   But, don’t use sex as a tool or a bargaining chip.  That’s a costly mistake.  Have sex for him. Have sex for you.  Have sex for the FUN of it.

#3: We Take His Man Card.

After mistake #2, men reading this blog are thinking I’m all sorts of in their corner,  but don’t give up on me yet, ladies. He won’t love this portion of the post.

Women have an incredible, nearly bottomless capacity for doing what needs to be done.   We’re secretly super heroes.  We multi task.  We play a myriad of roles.  We accomplish impossible feats in record time.  We’re nurturing moms turned hard hitting professionals as soon as the kids get on the bus.  While doing our make up we’re also prepping tonight’s dinner and coordinating practice schedules.  Nearly 40% of us out-earn our husbands — according to recent stats — and we’re still the ones taking kids to their orthodontist appointment, calling out of work to nurse a sick kid, and we’re still (not me… but many of you out there, thanks to my task-er husband) handling the bulk of the household chores.  At night we transform into sex kittens… just in time to get way less sleep than we need… and wake up ready to do it all over again.

And we’re doing too much.   The more we do in our homes, the less they need to do.  The more we take over, the more they shrink back.  We’re effectively de-masculating them and need to RELY on them more. TRUST them more.  Let them take the reins MORE.   Not in the “let me be a doormat” sort of way… but in the “take this off my plate before I –literally — grow a pair” way.

Men have broader shoulders than us….and they SHOULD be shouldering some more of this responsibility.  They were CREATED to lead.  You know all of those 100s of decisions you have to make every. single. day? (1000s of decisions if you have teenagers.)  He should be helping out with that.

Give him back his man card. Give him back some of the responsibility you’ve assumed in your home and family.  He may not love this idea…   but I guarantee you there’s a portion of him that TRULY desires to take care of you… to care for you… to shoulder some of the stress you’re now carrying…. to be YOUR hero.  So, let him.  Give him that chance.  And resist the urge to take over. He won’t do it exactly like you.  But, it’ll be off your plate none the less.

Prince has an (explicit) song that says, “Let a man be a man and a woman be a woman.”  I’m all for that… and determined to keep MY Mister’s man card prominently displayed in our home.

My new favorite phrase:  “Go ask your dad / uncle.”  (If the dad / uncle thing throws you off, go read more of our story.)

What do you think? What would you add to this list?