Fair warning: This post is written as a direct reflection of my own mistakes in marriage.  =) We know that around 50% of all marriages end in divorce. This is a statistic that most of us have come to terms with, but few of us truly understand.

So why are so many marriages ending in this way?

While it’s normal and even convenient to assume that most of these divorces can be attributed to major marital breakdowns like infidelity, abuse, or addiction – the truth is quite opposite.
It has been determined that close to 75% of divorces are attributed to “normal,” everyday reasons like: drifting apart, falling out of love, or a basic lack of care and nurturing that a marriage must possess to succeed.

As men, we need to ask ourselves the following question: Am I making any mistakes in my marriage that could lead to its eventual breakdown? Many of these mistakes are not glaring ones. In fact, they are the kind of mistakes that kill a marriage slowly, day by day. The kind of mistakes we don’t identify as such at the beginning; but, usually realize their impact when it’s far too late.

1. Complacency

Complacency is a dangerous word in marriage. It actually starts in our minds as something good. It’s when we think things are good – so good in fact that we can put our marriage on cruise control – auto pilot so to speak.

And let’s face it, you don’t have to look far for evidence of “autopilot” gone wrong.  When we stop actively working to improve our marriages, complacency is not far behind.  For me, it looks like this: Not kissing my babe before I  leave and when I get home from work; or, not surprising her with a card, or small gift from time to time just because I love her.

It’s allowing myself to forget all of the reasons I  married this woman in the first place. The special moments we’ve shared together – the life you have built. Stay here very long, and — before you know it —  two married people living in the same house resemble roommates more than a married couple.

Complacency is one of the worse causes of death a marriage can experience. It is slow – and a couple will allow it to last for a long time because it’s not (at first) viewed as a problem like infidelity or abuse.

Many couples can actually adopt this mindset and be ok with the fact that this “just what happens when you’ve been married for a while.” Dangerous ground, there.  So, let’s  actively work on our marriages. No one ever said it was going to be easy and if they did – they were lying or have never been married. If you’ve stopped working on your marriage because you think it’s great or because you think it’s as good as it’s going to get – don’t kid yourself. Continuing to work on your marriage and learn more about your wife is a life long process – that only will increase intimacy and improve your relationship.

2. Tasking in Place of Togetherness

One thing I have realized since I have become a father and husband is that there is always something to do. I mean I could literally find something that needs to be done around the house, etc. all the time.

It is very easy to get caught up in being a taskmaster in marriage. (As in, I’m mastering the tasks… not holding the whip while everyone else does them!) However, it is important to remember that in many cases, completing tasks doesn’t really bless your wife like you think it does.

I’ve often said to Michelle, “Hey. I did the dishes for you.”  Her response is always the same. “You did the dishes for me?”   You see, she couldn’t care less about the dishes.  Her love languages are quality time and physical touch.  So, she’d much rather me spend genuine uninterrupted time with her.  She is appreciative when I clean the kitchen, or wash the clothes, or clean the house – but it doesn’t speak to her like a 30 – minute uninterrupted conversation.

As men we have to understand that our nature sometimes causes us to complete tasks because it fills a need for us – not our wives. It is more comfortable for us to be fixing stuff than engaging in a conversation that might be uncomfortable or might he about something that is not our expertise.

On the other hand, some women would call their love language “acts of service.” If this is YOUR wife, consider yourself lucky,  put on those gloves, clean that kitchen… and maybe send her to talk some sense into Michelle!! lol… Just remember that acts of service should still be balanced with time and intimacy – not so much physical intimacy (which is always good too) but emotional intimacy as well.

So if you’re a taskmaster – ask yourself why. How is it serving you and more importantly, how is it serving your wife? Put down the chores, and the “have to’s” for a conversation about your wife’s day or week; or, about the struggles or victories she is experiencing. The growth will be evident.

3. The Art of Perfection – or Not!

There are two groups of people in this world – those who know they are not perfect and those who strive for perfection. Some really great people make up both groups – I find myself in the latter.

Generally speaking, people who would classify themselves as “people pleasers” are perfectionists. While there is nothing wrong with trying to please your wife or striving to be the best husband you can be – attempting or thinking that perfection is possible is an exasperating endeavor.

As a married man, I’ve realized that I am not always going to please my wife. I am not ever going to attain a perfect marriage or become a perfect husband – far from it.

The thing about perfection is that it’s a try-killer. The more we try to catch the elusive “perfection”– the further away it seems. And after time and time again of trying to reach for it and coming up short – we stop trying.

I have to force myself to chase improvement and take steps to be better today than yesterday. This is what we should be doing.  And when we come up short — as we will —  it doesn’t mean we are failures, just that we missed the mark somehow.  (Note to self:  Keep learning. Keep trying.)

Men, what would you add to this list?