Let’s face facts.  Everyone’s marriage has “THAT FIGHT.”  That certain, specific issue that seems to continue to rear its ugly head… no matter how many times you’ve already argued — and gotten over — it.    Now I’m not saying  that it is always there… only that when we have one of those “big” fights,  as married couples, research — and real life — shows that we don’t get real creative with it.  

Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot say that,  “All couples generally fight over the same five things: money, sex, work, parenting and housework. Most argue about these five issues over and over again because these are all stressors that speak to our sense of love and fairness.”  I’ll take it a step further and say that while “all” couples tend to argue over these 5 things, most of us have one or two SPECIFIC “fights” that we revisit over and over again in our OWN marriage. 

Is this true for you?  Do you always tend to fight about that affair… no matter WHAT you began arguing over?   How about your use of a credit card?   His job?  Her friends?  His kid? Her kid?  His ex-wife? Her parents?

For YEARS, our personal “biggest fights”  were about housework.   We’ve FINALLY — mainly — put that fight to bed.  I think. =) Tonight, I’m writing this unplanned, unscheduled post — frankly —  because we had a “big one” and I realized that “THE housework fight” has been replaced by “THE parenting fight.”    We began addressing one issue of discipline of our kids and ended up in this long, drawn out argument that broke all the rules we know, all the rules we’ve taught about “fighting fair.”

• Issues from WAY WAY WAY long ago were dug up, dusted off and paraded front and center. =)
• Excuses were made, responsibility not taken.
• Always and never statements thrown.

All, you know, in spite of the fact that we “know better.”

So, I’m left in a bit of a dilemma.  I know that as long as real relationship is going on within a marriage, there will be arguments, disagreements, “issues,” etc. But, I’ll be honest, those “big fights” are hard.

I’m encouraged by memories of  hurtful arguments about housework that derailed our marriage for days, and hurt for much longer than that.  These memories encourage me because — nowadays — Chris and I will sling a few one-liners to each other about housework, laugh it off, and keep on getting it. No emotion.  No tears. No hurt.  Not even a blip on our marriage radar.

In fact, as I type this — tears still dry on my face from tonight’s “discussion” — I find it LAUGHABLE that we used to argue over housework. lol…  Hurtful arguments? ABOUT HOUSEWORK?  Were we serious?!  Oh yes… very serious.  Back then.

So, as I sit here — typing to you — right smack dab in the middle of a tough and recurring “big one” for us, I’m encouraged that we’ve been here before and have somehow overcome what was a “big issue” and it’s now all but a NON-issue.

So, I’m asking myself “HOW DID WE END ONE OF THOSE RECURRING FIGHTS IN OUR MARRIAGE?”  I’m asking — and digging deep for an answer – because we did it before and we need to do it again.  Here’s what I’ve come up with… and I hope our vulnerability and experience helps you when you need this post as well.

• First, someone has to take responsibility.  I know you think it should be him. =) But if he doesn’t, you MUST.  Because he’s probably thinking it should be YOU.  Responsibility for fighting fair.  Responsibility for staying on track.  Responsibility for cultivating open communication. Responsibility for moving towards a solution.   It DOES “take two to tango.”  In a marriage, when one person changes, the dynamic changes.  Be the change.
• Second, pray.  Prayer changes things.  Maybe you don’t yet or don’t anymore pray together.  Pray anyway — alone if you must.  Pray for unity… and for resolution. Pray for strength and willingness to see things more clearly.   Pray for God to show you your part in this.  Pray for a shift. Pray for encouragement.
• Identify things you can agree on.  Try to end the “heated argument” with things you both agree on.

THE HARDEST PART is the most important, but this fight must be revisited.  Be realistic.  Most of these heated arguments become big, recurring, ugly fights because they are NEVER resolved. We fight, we get emotional, we go on the offensive, we become defensive… and then we simply “hope” it goes away.   Like a tension knot in your neck or shoulder, this issue — whatever it is for you —  must be resolved… gently and over time.  Right now, it might be heated, painful, emotional.  I KNOW why you don’t want to go back there again.  But, your marriage is worth this extra effort.  Go back there — as adults, at another time — and work it out, so you can finally get to the other side.

I promise you I’m going to be taking my own advice on this one.  Until next time, keep fighting the GOOD fight.  Your marriage, your home, your love story… is worth it.