This blog has turned out to be much more difficult to write than I at first thought.  I mean, there are probably 50 things I could do to be a better husband!  How could I possibly choose just four that would help me and my marriage the most?

At any rate, there is nothing wrong with examining your deficiencies.  Great athletes not only refine their strengths, but they also improve upon their weaknesses to become more well-rounded players.  We can do the same in marriage.  We should always strive to recognize our strengths, while at the same time exercising humility as we recognize our deficiencies.   Improving these deficiencies will help our marriages be more well-rounded as well.

These concepts led me to the idea of identifying aspects of myself as a husband that I can improve upon.  Through my transparency, I hope this post will help someone out there.

Here’s my list:

Continue to Grow as an Individual

My wife is a very driven person.  She is an entreprenuer at heart and there is nothing that could ever change that about her.  I on the other hand prefer security, consistency, and less risk taking in my career choice.  This certainly is not wrong, but it has led to what I would call a “comfortable mindset.” This is where things are going ok, but there is no real personal growth going on – busyness yes – growth no.

In an attempt to push myself out of my comfort zone, I interviewed for a few different jobs over the past year and a half.  The experience has been humbling to say the least.   Needless to say, I didn’t get any of the jobs – four to be exact.  And while this has stung a little, there is still a greater lesson learned here for me.

For the first time in a long time, I had initiated some movement as an individual.  Even though I was busy and carting kids here and there like all parents – I realized I did have time to work on myself.  And that it was important for me to do that.

It had an impact on my marriage too.  My wife has always been my biggest fan.  She was behind me during this time; she was pulling for me and my personal success.  My point here is that it provided a spark for us too – not just me.  We had new conversation, we talked about the future more – these were all good things.  We all know that we are not supposed to become stagnant.  The challenge is finding ways to move forward, refine, and improve over the course of your life and marriage.  We will continue to grow – and so will our marriages.

Attitude is Everything

There is no need for this section to be overly long.  It comes down to knowing what is right and making a choice to do it.   Far too often – I don’t.  My demeanor really speaks to my wife.  If I am quiet and withdrawn, she wants to find out what is wrong or if something is bothering me.  When we do things together, my attitude has the power to make an experience special or ruin an experience all together.

Quick example: Michelle and I went to her cousin’s wedding yesterday.  She is a family member, and special to both of us – and I knew all week we were definitely going to the wedding.  In addition to all this, Michelle loves weddings in general and views them as romantic dates.  Because of this alone, it was important for me to have a good attitude during the time leading up to the wedding.

Now I can be selfish.  Lets start there.  So after a long work week, I made a couple of comments to Michelle about how nice it would be to relax at home instead of going to the wedding. While it wasn’t me at my worst by any stretch, it made my wife feel devalued and not special.

Ironically, I always have a good time at weddings with Michelle.  It does bring back some really special memories and I have reflected on them at each and every wedding we have attended after our own.
But I can’t help but realize that my attitude could have been better about this in the days leading up to the wedding.  In the end – we went – had a great time – reflected on some special memories of our own – witnessed others’ memories and made another of our own too!

Remember – attitude is everything.  If we’re going to do something nice, or fun, or special – our attitude will make it a memory to remember or a memory to forget.

Romance Her

My wife loves for me to be romantic.  For her, this looks like: planning dates, special notes, unexpected kisses, and good conversation. It has been so easy to become complacent in this area of my life.  It’s not that I don’t feel that spark.  I want to be romantic and even think about great ideas all the time.  But a task or something meaningless usually gets in the way of me taking action and doing it.

I have also fallen into the trap (from time to time) of thinking that my wife’s need for romance diminishes the longer we are married.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  My wife’s need for romance hasn’t changed a bit in all these years.  I can honestly say that.  She needs and deserves to be made to feel special.  That is my job.

Effort goes a long way in this area too.  I don’t have to be perfect when it comes to romance.  If she sees that I am earnestly trying in this area – that will go a long way – and will be, well… romantic!

Swallow your Pride… when you’re Wrong

I never thought I had a problem with my pride.  People pleasers like myself often don’t struggle with pride.  We are usually more than ready to tell you sorry for some self-perceived short-coming.  As I became older however and more “set in my ways” – to borrow a way-too-old-saying – I began to struggle with my pride.  Specifically, I began to think I was right a lot of the time – about a lot of stuff.  Most of the time, in my marriage, this “stuff” involved a decision to say or do something that offended my wife in some way.

I don’t know how this happened, but it definitely happened over time – slowly.  And then one day my pride was all of the sudden a struggle for me.  I think that I was so frustrated with coming up short in my marriage that I just figured I HAD to be right about some of the disagreements Michelle and I were having at the time.  Unfortunately, a lot of the time I wasn’t.

Of course, I don’t like it when I am wrong.  I especially don’t like it when an action feels right at the time but feels wrong later.  When I “feel” this way I know my emotions got the best of me.  Remember that disagreements can not be led by emotion.
This is an area of my life that I am really working on.

A perfect example of an area in my life or yours, where we never feel like there is a problem – or maybe an area where we think we will never slip.  Remember we can always get off track – in any area of our lives.  There have been times when Michelle and I have been arguing about something and in my soul I know I am wrong.  Even though I know this at the time – I will still defend, still make excuses, and still minimize.  This is what it looks like when I am prideful – when I am unwilling to humble myself, say I was wrong, and move forward with changes.

The truth is, we have enough problems in our marriage to hold on to a silly argument or fight when we know we are in the wrong or even operating in a grey area.  As a husband it is my job to make something right when I’ve made something wrong.  It is my job to recognize when I am wrong.  It is my job to know what really offends my wife.  Then it is my job to make amends – that means apologize, make change, and most importantly – take action that will activate that change.

When I am willing to swallow my pride and admit wrong, my marriage is better.  It may not feel like it right then, but my marriage is actually strengthened the minute this process begins.  It takes courage to admit when I am wrong or have done something wrong.  More importantly, it takes courage to fix a wrong doing.

One thing is for sure though:  when I have been willing to take these steps in the past, our trust in each other has increased as has our general belief in one another as well.  Michelle knows that I mess up plenty – she just wants me to be willing to admit it and make it better through action.
When we have an honest and willing heart, no problem is too big for our marriages.

So here it is… the four areas that I could improve upon to become a better husband.  A lot of thought and reflection went into this as I am actively trying to improve these areas of my life and marriage.  But every man, every woman, every marriage is different.  What FOUR THINGS could you do to be a better husband to your wife?  Have no idea?  You could always ask her…